30 - 10 - 2021 - What a fucking joke I've been

 2021 hasn't really been a good year for being productive, but it has for enjoyment and discovering things that I like. Last year, I proudly announced that I loved, or at least liked my major. I don't, not anymore. I can bare it and I think it's alright. I'm just gonna continue studying it because I need el título lmao. 

Let's start with what happened right after I left it off. I said that it would be the last day I didn't do anything and that I'd force myself to study. Burnout, lots of burnouts. I studied so hard during first part of the semester, and yeah not as hard, but very. I got tired and later spent a lot of time procrastinating. I still did very well tho, just as I'm doing right now. 

I started reading a lot of fics, enjoying things online more and trying to have something that made me smile, for the sake of not being sad. 

As incredible as it may sound for me, to think that one of the biggest changes in my life so far has been caused by a ship: sheith. Yeah, i'm talking about a fictional ship in my year summary. Lmao, what can I say. Because of them I started to enjoy and wanted to have more free time to enjoy them. Endhawks made me try writing, but I left it there and I didn't go anywhere with it, but sheith? Man.

Anyway, more ships, fandom stuff until and thoroughout vacations. That is, my aunt came to visit again, along with Rodrigo. That felt like shit. I think a lot about how social i CAN be when I want to, just not with my family. That ship sailed long ago. 

Even more fandom stuff, spending a shit ton of time on Twitter. I got addicted to it and I still am. I read so many fics. Spent so much time reading. Since then it's when I started getting distracted in classes. You could say it's had a negative impact in my life. I do. I don't recall much at all from those months. Except that I got into more series. Yeah, series. 

I'm still friends with the people that matter. But i've lost many many friendships. Even with Angie, we are strangers now. 

I started second term of uni. At first, I don't remember. Oh yeah, I was so fucking distracted, all the time. Many more animes and manga. But also..., I drew for the first time. Sheith. It motivated me to try something new because I just had so many ideas I wanted to convey. I thought "I should get familiar with traditional art for starters" And I did, but it didn't sitck around. Not until I got into Golden Kamuy and maaan. That was so motivational. 

Oh right, Uni. I did well. Very relaxed because I only had 5 courses. 

Even now my attention span is so low, I'm going to twitter every few seconds. 

My critical thinking got better. Before, I used to understand everything in a superficial level. Now I know I should analyze stuff. I should. 

Anyway, I wanted to draw and I was pretty desperate for 2nd term to be over so that I could draw and be productive with programming. That is until family from Lima came and I did NOTHING productive during my 7 weeks of vacations. FUCK YOU. Everyday spending like 7 hours on twitter and on that fucking chat which I'm in now because I'm horny as hell. 

Ugh.

I started drawing again during the last week of mid year vacations. I can't stop now. I'm just learning stuff and it doesn't look good enough for me, It probably won't for at least a year. I want a tablet, too. I wanna draw and draw all the time. Maybe I can make something out of it. Will this be a yearly obssesion as well, who knows. 

Right now, I've been struggling a lot. This semester I started really well, went downhill quickly and now I'm kind of in a limbo. Like, because I laze around I couldn't properly do some homework. I plagiarized homework. Ugh, that makes me feel sick. I didn't study for mid terms either. Fuck, feeling like shit. 

Drawing has brought me inmese joy, tho.

I'm sleeping at 1-2am and sleeping 5 hours. Then an hour extra later. It's a fucked up schedule

I also really like yaoi now. The biggest joke probable. Some stories are interesting tho. Couldn't stop reading them.

I haven't really gone out with my friends and there's a shit more things that I should write about. But this year hasn't been one for thoughts, not really. I wasted like 3/4 of the year in uselesss stuff, even today. I also am aware of how poor me english is. If I wanted to go and do an international exam I'd fail. 

So... things went downhill. Country wise, everyhing is better. We can go out, I'm vaccinated. Yeah, there was a vaccine for Covid. 

Think I'm writing more than yesterday. I need to make new friends. Friends, love. Doesn't matter. Does it

Oh, I gained weight. I'm very, very lazy. Exercise, I don't do it anymore. I will, perhaps. Yeah, I gotta go and walk for an hour. I did that for some time and it was fantastic. But because I was wasting time, shit happened. Now? I can do better. 

Next year I'll move to Arequipa. Will I? That's the plan. We don't have much money, mom trusts me a lot. She doesn't know anything. She know almost nothing about me. God. 

Not a very positive summary, huh?

Sitting cross legged is terrible.

I thought i'd made friends, but we were just online neighbors. Twitter friends, we still follow each other but we're not close anymore. 

My self worth is on the floor. I'm comparing myself to a lot of people. I still fear death. I don't wanna die, I will die. I fear it tremendously. Why can I just have more money and do what I want. 

Kili, quisiera brillar otra vez. El yo del año pasado sonaba mejor. Sé que no era perfecto, pero estaba en una mejor situación, más preocupado. Me volví inmaduro en ese aspecto, acaso compensa la madurez que gané en otros aspectos? No lo sé. 

¿Qué me deparará el próximo año? Me pregunto si estaré viviendo en otra ciudad.

Hace unas semanas me sentí muy solo, cuando mi madre y hermana se fueron de viaje. Sentí que así viviría cuando me mude. Debo conseguir mi título y descifrar lo que en verdad me atrapa. 

Me duelen las manos, artritis 2.0, o 3.0?

30 - 10 - 2020. Shit's been going down

 2020 has been the weirdest year of my life, I think.

So many things have happened. I, for sure, would not have had any idea of what was to come. Like no, 2019 Mauricio, I'm not exaggerating (don't know how to write that), it was Satan itself. 

You see, a pandemic happened. The month after you wrote that a virus popped out of nowhere in China, which, at first, slowly infected people. But then, a few months later, the world was in caos. Peru has basically been in quarantine since March, when the first coronavirus case was found in the country. And yeah, I'm writing a bit more formal because this is important. It's the most important event in god knows how many years. 

More than 1 million people have died of this worldwide, more than 800k cases of infected people in the country so far. That is not to say what upper world is living right now, absolute hell. Since they are entering winter, it was obvious that their case count would increase, but not to the huge extent. If it continues like this, who knows what will happen to the world. The US got 100k today alone, a new record. This will shatter those entire countries. I can just say thank you to God for Peru being better now, so much better than before.

It's 11:10 of a Friday, and I will talk about why I'm still awake, but later.

Let's start by reviewing month by month what happened, at least what comes to my head because right now I'm too lazy to go and look at my diaries, it would take me hours to finish writing this, and as you will see, time is what I'm definitely lacking.

I just told you that the pandemic happened after 2019 writing. Also, I just realized why I wrote this on that specific date. If I remember it correctly, 28 was the day Juan told the class he was going to leave. So, sad as I was, I wrote that. Now I understand why such complexity and deep thinking in that writing, I was pushing my feelings out of myself and out. 

So, the first thing I did was cut my hair, went to a party, partied the heck out of it, experienced being utterly drunk and puking outside a local. God it was awfully amazing. I didn't even have to understand. I just had the best last party I could've had, for real. I also kissed Alvaro there, well, he kissed me and I didn't want to. I didn't say anything really, we stayed friends for some time, not now though.

The very first thing I did after the party was cutting my hair to almost nothing: I went bald. It was a weird decision, mostly because I had fucked up my hair and decided to grow it all out again. December went by a flash, Otty, Joseph and I were very good friends. I also remember talking and walking with Moises and Gabriel. Oh right, I went two times to the casino with Mos, it was reaaally exciting. For my birthday, I went out to eat with my university friends, it was a good time. Around this time I had also wanted new clothes and a new style, I started to dress very diferrently, which I still conserve.

Around december was when the need to study erupted. I decided that I should start with philosophy, so that I could finally finish that Sophia book. I loved it, it taught me so many things. After that, reading seemed like a chore but it was also esential. Each time I needed to read something with a bit more complexity than I was used to, to experiment greater feelings. So I read, I read a lot. I thorugh many months, around 20-25 real books, maybe a bit more. Also I started to read fanfiction again, because reading serious books was exhausting at times. I love Star Wars, my cousin and I watched all the movies and spent a really good time watching them all. So I decided to read ffc about Star Wars. There are some novels there that are just as good as real books, some authors with potential

After that, I didn't really read much, I think I've read like 5 more books at best, and most of them becase the school asked me. There's this one book by Rilke that I haven't finished, I only have 12 pages left but it seems like the biggest chore ever.

I'm getting tired of writing this, lmao. I must continue.

By the way, I love constructive criticisim.

Continuing... this is going to take another half an hour. I don't care, my sleeping habits do though.

I fell in love with Otty even more, he told me he was just like me. I couldn't help but fall in love with him, how could I not? I've been feeling for him for the longest time, ever since I met him. God, my heart was full of only him. That didn't mean that I couldn't find other people attractive. My January cultural teacher was kind of hot, he looked like Derek Hale from Teen Wolf. Plus, I think the feelings were reciprocated. He was very different towards me, aside from that time he got really close and pretended to look at something in my book...yeah. 

Then J happened and I fucked up. God, that was the closest to a chance I've ever had. He literally told me he liked me, I told him I HAD liked him, but that wasn't the truth. He was very flirty and I loved how much of a Himbo he was. I could've put up with his annoying Tiktoks and everything. I fucked up so bad with him. I'm sorry, J. Sorry for lying and panicking that one time.

Many guys I liked, until the quarantine happened. It was awful, apart from the situation of health and everything, I also had to live with my aunt and female cousin. I didn't feel free, at all. I couldn't do most things. 

Buuuut, there was one salvation: music. I finally discovered what my music taste is: everything I like. This year I've listened to many artists, but mostly to specific artists. Some of the songs I've loved this year, don't know the songs I will be listening to next year.

- Quiero que me llames, Otra oportunidad, Concierto de conociendo Rusia, Tú, My Love, Hasta que tú me quieras, No te desanimes, Lo que siento, more Harry Styles. And the objectivally best one: 

                                                        Song on the beach / Photograph

Out of these songs, I've probably listened to My love, Otra oportunidad, No te desanimes and Song on the beach more than thousands of times combined. Specially My Love, which I think is the best song ever created in the history of music.

My hands are starting to hurt, don't know If I will keep writing.

Well, pandemic happened. Many losses. My mom had it bad, she just lost many friends this year. I feel horrible.

Apart from that, this is the most important thing: I'm in university, even though it's something temporal, at best this semester only.

I'm in UCSP, I love it. I thought everything was over, that I would had to study at Unsa and that everything would turn out okay, boy I was so wrong. I have a chance, Tengo otra oportunidad. The son of a teacher scholarship can still work out for me, so i'm going to try that.  Plus, I've chosen the career that wasn't what represented my interests best, but what I discovered i love. I love what I'm studying so far, it's so interesting and I don't have to force myself to say it. I will have a great future. I love studying and learning and being responsible and having everything in order in my life. God, I learnt to love the smallest things in life. My purpose was found, I want to be someone important and make my mother proud. I've put a lot of effort and my grades so far have shown my accomplishments and esfuerzo. 

However, the day and week I'm writing this, I've felt a bit down. Not because of anything in particular, but like, I think studying too much has got me for the first time. Today I haven't done half of what I planned, I didn't practice like, at all. But this is the last day, because if I keep doing this, all of my first effort will be going to trash.

I have many thoughts regarding my grades and the effort I should put. But that's a conversation for when I'm not just starting university.

I got a better friendship with my best friends, though, there was a time where Mos and I stopped being friends. It's my fault but I'm too much of a coward to say it to him, I'm really sorry, I just need your friendship. 

I've lost many friends and I almost talk to nobody, which makes me feel a bit lonely, but I'm learning to appreciate it. 

I'm not horny anymore xD, I'm not really looking for love, just looking to love myself better and do better each time. 

Please, let this week be a teaching experience. And all of this, too. Don't be lazy, you could've done so many things had you not procrastinated.

I also watched Her, amazing movie.

Finally, I don't know what the future holds for me. Worldwide, I have the lowest expectactions, because, being honest, it's not looking good.

See you in a year, I really hope you are studying by then, well, continuing your studies. Also, read more pls, you have the time and try to play more complicated Sudoku damn.

See you,

M

07 / 10 / 2018
It's October! The spoopy month. The transitioning month (i almost wrote moth, a meme) bewteen the 3rd and 4th bimester. It's a disaster. All the assignmets left for the end of the bimester are messing with my head. I think i'm done with most of the homework. I definitely believe i should be more concerned with my grades, they won't be as good; they might even be the worst in years.
I'm also in Cepu. The first weeks were tough, now it's tolerable. My mind is in another place in classes. I don't think i'll be in the first 10 places, I'm barely studying. Hopefully, i get an epifany or some shit that gets me motivated.

Yesterday i tried of the dumbest things ever. I'm aware of my sleeping habits. I know that if I sleep earlier i will dream. I tried to figure out something. Can i control what i dream? I decided to start by touching myself a little and looking at a Miguel (a very hot one) picture, to get turned on. I thought I would finally have a dream where I become his whore; sadly, that didn't happen. A dream feels so real. If I'm not able to get in bed with him at least i'll try it in my imagination.

I'm going to continue trying. I need to have sex with him. I need the comfort and know what it feels like. Talking about him, I don't feel nearly as attracted as i were 2 weeks ago. You can say that it is dissipating. I still want him to fuck me.

Important things that happened this month?

The very first day, I revealed myself to a friend. Honestly, i didn't know that to expect. He was so fucking kind and supportive. It's been of the best things i've done. Now, we are very close and talk to each other every day, not only about the sex stuff, but also about our lives.

I became friends with a dude named "adrian". I had a way off opinion about him. NEVER would i have thought about him being 22. He attitude was too similar to a 16 year old. Now that i know, i just play it cool and act as if i didn't have any problems. Although ,there is one problem; his emotional matureness is hot. In looks he is a maybe, in thinking he is such a huge turn on.

I was reading the past blogs and i noticed I've never what I like about guys. All of this are the most possible features that i can see in my city.
Let's start by the body. A guy has to be tall, he must be tall. I can't date smaller people. It's not my cup of tea. I like strong guys, or at least thicker guys than me. I don't really care about the skin color. I have a preference for yellow-gold skin. They don't need to have abs. They must have broad shoulders (for their body). Somewhat thick arms (veinys are even better). Fit t-shirts are welcome, too.
I would pick wavy and curly hair rather than straight hair. Straight hair looks boring. The hair color is not important. A large forehead looks bad. Perfect noses are perfect, but raw ones are good, too.They just have to be straight. The cheekbones really depend on the person face structure, but personally I like slim cheekbones. I'm very special with eyes. They pupil has to be in line with the eyelids. The eyelashes have to be large and thick. The color does not matter. Red lips are the best. Thick and cared eyebrows. Teeth, well i'm not too demading with them, as long as I can look at them without feeling unconfortable, i'm fine. Jawlines are my favorite part of men, along with beards.  There are so many different jawlines. Sometimes a good jawline is enough to make me like them. A perfect jawline with a beard gets me lost, for real. Makes me ask them for more.

There's a new dude that I like. He is the first younger guy (age) that I've liked. His last names is better, so we won't be calling him by his name (no pun intended).
I like cortez from 4th. I don't know much about him. Besides, his latest photos are from fricking 2016, I like him a lot. I don't care what anyone says. It's helping me to move on from Miguel.
God, I hate being a horny teenager.

Feeling bad

20/09/2018
I slept late, but woke up better. No reasoning behind it.
I finally realized why i don't get close with almost no one. I don't talk nor i try to make an effort about it. I keep playing it safe by talking with people i know.
Miguel tried talking to me twice today. The first time i acted like i usually would have acted.
The second time i straight up ignored him.
I feel shit.



I'm re-reading this. I don't reall have memories of it. I do recall feeling guilty though.

MY LIFE
I guess I'll just start writing off whatever comes to my head. I want to write what happens to me everyday, sort of a diary. Not only that, personal stuff and recurrents thoughts.

So, starting from today, September 19th of 2018.
I keep feeling this inexistance, like i always thought there were 2 versions of me. The deep one (he doesn't have a name yet, but i'm planning on calling him alma), the one that only thinks and anwers in English and the Mauricio, who speaks without thinking. Though, he still does it very well; he makes a perfect impersonation of a human being.
Today I woke up earlier than ever, 4:30am. I had the same dream as the day before, it was about a tsunami and me drowning, i don't know what it means. I woke up again at 6:30, I had to do my math homework, it wasn't for today. I ate two avocado sandwiches for breakfast, they were good enough. I took a taxi to school because i was taking the bottles of water with me, I took too much time showering, as well.

 Alma and Mauricio are me, both of them. Sometimes, i'll refer to both of us at the same time as "I". But, i'll probably refer to Alma as him, even when he is the one writing right now. Alma (who writes this kind of stuff) always falls apart when there is a sexual awakening, Mauricio takes over and becomes a normal and horny human, who can't use nothing but his penis to think.  Through this year, I've felt interest for many guys this year, we will also count the ones that i was falling for last year.
This is an introduction, by the way.
Otty (let's just call him that), I was sure we were never going to be together, but that at least he would become one of my best friends and that i would tell him about my sexual orientation. It was sweet while it lasted, i truly liked him for who he was.We parted ways the moment we came back to 305. Disheartening.
Then i returned to school and I met Renato. I fell head over heels. He was so fucking handsome, it seemed surreal. Of course, i felt like a teenager girl who blushed everytime the guy looked at her. That lasted for a few months. As of right now i still stare at him, he is just so pretty to look at. If it wasn't because he is so godamn stuborn and a stupid asshole (short, too), i probably would have tried it.
Some time between june and august, I started to like - physically- Ray. It was too obvious for me to realize, i felt dumb. He is a much better guy. He is a dork, playful and gets serious when needed. He is smart enough, but he is lazy and does other things rather than studying. I would say boyfriend material, even. Having said that, i don't find him all that attractive, i don't find anything attractive besides his body. I wish i liked him more.
I kept feeling attraction for both until prom trip. I've always thought Miguel was hot. His body shape and face shape, very masculine; the way his cock was noticeable; the way he allowed to touch; his perfect teeth; his deep voice. At the time, not that hot, but good looking. He was a friend's "property", so I couldn't do anything (I wasn't goint to, either. Too distracted by Rent). If he had a beard, i wouldn't be able to look at him. I've never imagined it, i don't want to. What if its so good looking, that i can't look at him without telling him how much i want to suck his cock and let him break me?

I fell for him, in a week. It was a couple of things. I started to look at every little thing he did, magnific. Then swimming day came. I was able to look at him without a shirt, for hours. The view was really enjoyable. I was amazed at how big his cock looked through his pants. I couldn't get that mental picture out of my head for hours. We had a party night. I'll forever regret that night. I would pay him, just to wear that kind of shirt again. He looked like one of those who has never gone to a party, which i guess that's what really happened. But still moving his body to the rhythim of the music. His prend was going to explode, in any moment, becuase it couldn't hold his muscles back. I still don't forgive myself for not going to the bathroom with him. I, at least, should have seen his penis. But, i also think that if i had looked and it seemed gorgeous, i would have embarrased myself by looking again and making some horny comment. The last day of swimming i did something i knew would trigger the situation. One think i had to keep in mind was that i had to be away when my friend was near. I don't think he suspects. I threw myself with my body lookin at the bed. He jumped above me. I wanted to move, i was a coward. The worst thing about it, it's that i could move. I would have saved me by saying that i wanted to leave. That would have been the closest to sex that i would get.
In the present, i still like him. I get caught up when i look at him. Today i got distracted when Nickolas was asking me something. Thank god everybody thinks i'm straight. I hope 2 or 3 more months pass rapidly in order to forget about him. The doubt is killing me, what's his sexual orientation? How do i get closer to him? I get awkward and weird when he's around. Is he gay? Is he bisexual? I reitire what i said in the morning. Nobody calls him up about it because he looks masculine. I've never heard him talking about girls. About porn, yeah. If i only knew.

Esta es un fondo de pantalla de una serie que acabo de terminar, me agradó mucho. No pensé que iba a ser la gran cosa, pues creí que era muy sobreexplotada.