20/09/2018
I slept late, but woke up better. No reasoning behind it.
I finally realized why i don't get close with almost no one. I don't talk nor i try to make an effort about it. I keep playing it safe by talking with people i know.
Miguel tried talking to me twice today. The first time i acted like i usually would have acted.
The second time i straight up ignored him.
I feel shit.
I'm re-reading this. I don't reall have memories of it. I do recall feeling guilty though.
jueves, 20 de septiembre de 2018
miércoles, 19 de septiembre de 2018
MY LIFE
I guess I'll just start writing off whatever comes to my head. I want to write what happens to me everyday, sort of a diary. Not only that, personal stuff and recurrents thoughts.
So, starting from today, September 19th of 2018.
I keep feeling this inexistance, like i always thought there were 2 versions of me. The deep one (he doesn't have a name yet, but i'm planning on calling him alma), the one that only thinks and anwers in English and the Mauricio, who speaks without thinking. Though, he still does it very well; he makes a perfect impersonation of a human being.
Today I woke up earlier than ever, 4:30am. I had the same dream as the day before, it was about a tsunami and me drowning, i don't know what it means. I woke up again at 6:30, I had to do my math homework, it wasn't for today. I ate two avocado sandwiches for breakfast, they were good enough. I took a taxi to school because i was taking the bottles of water with me, I took too much time showering, as well.
Alma and Mauricio are me, both of them. Sometimes, i'll refer to both of us at the same time as "I". But, i'll probably refer to Alma as him, even when he is the one writing right now. Alma (who writes this kind of stuff) always falls apart when there is a sexual awakening, Mauricio takes over and becomes a normal and horny human, who can't use nothing but his penis to think. Through this year, I've felt interest for many guys this year, we will also count the ones that i was falling for last year.
This is an introduction, by the way.
Otty (let's just call him that), I was sure we were never going to be together, but that at least he would become one of my best friends and that i would tell him about my sexual orientation. It was sweet while it lasted, i truly liked him for who he was.We parted ways the moment we came back to 305. Disheartening.
Then i returned to school and I met Renato. I fell head over heels. He was so fucking handsome, it seemed surreal. Of course, i felt like a teenager girl who blushed everytime the guy looked at her. That lasted for a few months. As of right now i still stare at him, he is just so pretty to look at. If it wasn't because he is so godamn stuborn and a stupid asshole (short, too), i probably would have tried it.
Some time between june and august, I started to like - physically- Ray. It was too obvious for me to realize, i felt dumb. He is a much better guy. He is a dork, playful and gets serious when needed. He is smart enough, but he is lazy and does other things rather than studying. I would say boyfriend material, even. Having said that, i don't find him all that attractive, i don't find anything attractive besides his body. I wish i liked him more.
I kept feeling attraction for both until prom trip. I've always thought Miguel was hot. His body shape and face shape, very masculine; the way his cock was noticeable; the way he allowed to touch; his perfect teeth; his deep voice. At the time, not that hot, but good looking. He was a friend's "property", so I couldn't do anything (I wasn't goint to, either. Too distracted by Rent). If he had a beard, i wouldn't be able to look at him. I've never imagined it, i don't want to. What if its so good looking, that i can't look at him without telling him how much i want to suck his cock and let him break me?
I fell for him, in a week. It was a couple of things. I started to look at every little thing he did, magnific. Then swimming day came. I was able to look at him without a shirt, for hours. The view was really enjoyable. I was amazed at how big his cock looked through his pants. I couldn't get that mental picture out of my head for hours. We had a party night. I'll forever regret that night. I would pay him, just to wear that kind of shirt again. He looked like one of those who has never gone to a party, which i guess that's what really happened. But still moving his body to the rhythim of the music. His prend was going to explode, in any moment, becuase it couldn't hold his muscles back. I still don't forgive myself for not going to the bathroom with him. I, at least, should have seen his penis. But, i also think that if i had looked and it seemed gorgeous, i would have embarrased myself by looking again and making some horny comment. The last day of swimming i did something i knew would trigger the situation. One think i had to keep in mind was that i had to be away when my friend was near. I don't think he suspects. I threw myself with my body lookin at the bed. He jumped above me. I wanted to move, i was a coward. The worst thing about it, it's that i could move. I would have saved me by saying that i wanted to leave. That would have been the closest to sex that i would get.
In the present, i still like him. I get caught up when i look at him. Today i got distracted when Nickolas was asking me something. Thank god everybody thinks i'm straight. I hope 2 or 3 more months pass rapidly in order to forget about him. The doubt is killing me, what's his sexual orientation? How do i get closer to him? I get awkward and weird when he's around. Is he gay? Is he bisexual? I reitire what i said in the morning. Nobody calls him up about it because he looks masculine. I've never heard him talking about girls. About porn, yeah. If i only knew.
I guess I'll just start writing off whatever comes to my head. I want to write what happens to me everyday, sort of a diary. Not only that, personal stuff and recurrents thoughts.
So, starting from today, September 19th of 2018.
I keep feeling this inexistance, like i always thought there were 2 versions of me. The deep one (he doesn't have a name yet, but i'm planning on calling him alma), the one that only thinks and anwers in English and the Mauricio, who speaks without thinking. Though, he still does it very well; he makes a perfect impersonation of a human being.
Today I woke up earlier than ever, 4:30am. I had the same dream as the day before, it was about a tsunami and me drowning, i don't know what it means. I woke up again at 6:30, I had to do my math homework, it wasn't for today. I ate two avocado sandwiches for breakfast, they were good enough. I took a taxi to school because i was taking the bottles of water with me, I took too much time showering, as well.
Alma and Mauricio are me, both of them. Sometimes, i'll refer to both of us at the same time as "I". But, i'll probably refer to Alma as him, even when he is the one writing right now. Alma (who writes this kind of stuff) always falls apart when there is a sexual awakening, Mauricio takes over and becomes a normal and horny human, who can't use nothing but his penis to think. Through this year, I've felt interest for many guys this year, we will also count the ones that i was falling for last year.
This is an introduction, by the way.
Otty (let's just call him that), I was sure we were never going to be together, but that at least he would become one of my best friends and that i would tell him about my sexual orientation. It was sweet while it lasted, i truly liked him for who he was.We parted ways the moment we came back to 305. Disheartening.
Then i returned to school and I met Renato. I fell head over heels. He was so fucking handsome, it seemed surreal. Of course, i felt like a teenager girl who blushed everytime the guy looked at her. That lasted for a few months. As of right now i still stare at him, he is just so pretty to look at. If it wasn't because he is so godamn stuborn and a stupid asshole (short, too), i probably would have tried it.
Some time between june and august, I started to like - physically- Ray. It was too obvious for me to realize, i felt dumb. He is a much better guy. He is a dork, playful and gets serious when needed. He is smart enough, but he is lazy and does other things rather than studying. I would say boyfriend material, even. Having said that, i don't find him all that attractive, i don't find anything attractive besides his body. I wish i liked him more.
I kept feeling attraction for both until prom trip. I've always thought Miguel was hot. His body shape and face shape, very masculine; the way his cock was noticeable; the way he allowed to touch; his perfect teeth; his deep voice. At the time, not that hot, but good looking. He was a friend's "property", so I couldn't do anything (I wasn't goint to, either. Too distracted by Rent). If he had a beard, i wouldn't be able to look at him. I've never imagined it, i don't want to. What if its so good looking, that i can't look at him without telling him how much i want to suck his cock and let him break me?
I fell for him, in a week. It was a couple of things. I started to look at every little thing he did, magnific. Then swimming day came. I was able to look at him without a shirt, for hours. The view was really enjoyable. I was amazed at how big his cock looked through his pants. I couldn't get that mental picture out of my head for hours. We had a party night. I'll forever regret that night. I would pay him, just to wear that kind of shirt again. He looked like one of those who has never gone to a party, which i guess that's what really happened. But still moving his body to the rhythim of the music. His prend was going to explode, in any moment, becuase it couldn't hold his muscles back. I still don't forgive myself for not going to the bathroom with him. I, at least, should have seen his penis. But, i also think that if i had looked and it seemed gorgeous, i would have embarrased myself by looking again and making some horny comment. The last day of swimming i did something i knew would trigger the situation. One think i had to keep in mind was that i had to be away when my friend was near. I don't think he suspects. I threw myself with my body lookin at the bed. He jumped above me. I wanted to move, i was a coward. The worst thing about it, it's that i could move. I would have saved me by saying that i wanted to leave. That would have been the closest to sex that i would get.
In the present, i still like him. I get caught up when i look at him. Today i got distracted when Nickolas was asking me something. Thank god everybody thinks i'm straight. I hope 2 or 3 more months pass rapidly in order to forget about him. The doubt is killing me, what's his sexual orientation? How do i get closer to him? I get awkward and weird when he's around. Is he gay? Is he bisexual? I reitire what i said in the morning. Nobody calls him up about it because he looks masculine. I've never heard him talking about girls. About porn, yeah. If i only knew.
Suscribirse a:
Entradas (Atom)